Monday, March 16, 2015

It's Enough

Here I find myself,
the children's play area of the mall.
Kids screaming, running, laughing.
So much joy
(until it's time to leave).

But while my eyes watch my daughter
as she climbs and falls and tries again,
they also wander to the other adults.
Moms, dads, moms and dads.
Perhaps a nanny, grandmother, or older sister.
They watch the children.
Check their phones.
And occasionally chat and laugh with each other.
"How old is he?"
"Oh, she's so cute!"

But not with me.

I smile at them, inviting conversation
but they turn their heads before a smile is returned.
Deep down, I know, this isn't what it feels like.
I am not being ostracized. 
I am paranoid, overreacting, anxious.
I fear they can see my history, my disease.

Mine is an invisible illness.
Yet I fear it is showing now.
A cast, a crutch, an oxygen mask.
Do they see my scars?

They do not know me anymore than I know them and the scars they are hiding.

A mother glances at me sideways.
A flicker of a smile.
It's enough.

(Written 3.16.15)


  1. Oh, how many times I've felt like this, too! It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you're being excluded and judged. We all have our insecurities--thank you for having the courage to share yours.

    1. Thank you for reading and for your comments!

      I saw the new Cinderella movie today with my daughter and the mantra is "Have courage and be kind". I think if we all followed that advice it would be wonderful.

  2. Raeily, thanks for your thoughtful comment on my blog, I appreciate what you said and will look into an online book club, a great idea! Thanks. And I love your post, It's Enough. I too am an introvert and have struggled with feeling socially awkward. Keep your chin up and keep writing, it is worthy and worthwhile.

    1. Thank you for reading my post!

      I hope you're able to find the time to read what you want to read. Reading is like breathing.

  3. I like your honest poem. My sister is bipolar and I plan to share your poem and blog with her. Thanks for sharing your voice.

    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. Sharing is such a huge compliment, thank you. I hope your sister is doing well as she can with this disease.

  4. So true, that we all have scars and a great reminder that we never really know what another person is going through just by looking at them.

    I love this line...
    "So much joy
    (until it's time to leave)."

    Oh the truth in those words!

    1. Thanks for reading! We're halfway through with SOLC and I can't believe it. Thank you for all your comments and support. They have helped so much.