|Tuesdays Slice of Life|
This week is such a big week for me. It holds a lot of awful memories but also on Friday a beautiful milestone will be met.
I try to think of where I was last year at this time... I was about to get some awful news that led me to shred by arms like they were incriminating files. But that was just the beginning of the pain I would feel this week. My friend group almost lost a friend to suicide and I was convinced it was my fault. That day I shredded what was left of my arms and then turned to burning them. For one of the burns I used a spiraled instrument, don't ask me why, it was just in my kitchen, in front of me. This was the last time I harmed myself.
Over the last year I have had, thanks to the spiraled utensil, a "G" scarred on my arm. It was so painful when my little girl, barely 2 years old asked me what the "G" meant. Friends and family were all curious and I was as patient as I could be with them. I hated being asked, I never tried to come up with an answer that was clever but I always just said it was a self-harm wound, the "G" was accidental.
Now if you asked me I would probably say it was "G" for Guilt. That's what I was feeling when I did it. I'm trying to convince myself it's "G" for God because he's the one in control but I really just want it to fade. But it won't. It feels like I have some lesson to learn first...
This is what mental illness and suicide can do. It becomes a hurricane of guilt, pain, and sadness. It doesn't care where it hits. It is senseless and dangerous. This is why we need to end the stigma and open up the conversation. We can save lives.
Friday is my 1 year free of self-harm. Sometimes it was hell and sometimes it was heaven. But I'm so glad I have made it so far because I know now that I can go on, even on the worst days, I can make it through anything.