Tuesday, October 13, 2015

What If?

Slice of Life Tuesdays

This past weekend, I participated in Jacksonville's American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. I walked with my family and some of my closet friends. All our lives have been touched by suicide. Some of us had lost someone to suicide. Some of us, like my husband, walked in support of someone who struggled with suicide. And then there were those of us who walked because we ourselves struggled with and/or had attempted suicide.

One of those friends started tearing up, and I quickly joined her, as she brought up the question... What if?

What if we had ended our lives? Would our loved ones be walking here with tears in their eyes and memories in their heads.

The question has haunted me since. It's been on my mind all week. I have attempted suicide twice in my life. Now, much more stable, I look back and wish I had just asked for help sooner. I don't want to imagine the "What If"s. I'm so thankful that my daughter will not have to grow up without a mother, filled with anger at me for what I had done. Or worse yet! That my daughter had never come to be.  She is already a beautiful person. What would the world be without her? How would my husband be?

I am lucky that I was supported so well and that something knocked in into my head that I needed help. Never be afraid to ask for help. Yell, scream, shout. Get what you need because your absence from the world would be noted and unwanted. YOU are wanted. Please, take care of yourself.

From my Art Journal

What if? All the beauty you bring to the world would be lost. All that would be left would be pain and sadness. You can get through this and recovery. I promise you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Well, well, well...

Tuesday Slice Of Life

Well, well, well.
Just another day down the drain.
Had a forecast for sunshine
but all I got was torrential rain.

To-do list at the ready.
Best laid plans...
I can hear God's laughter
at the intentions of man.

Day break shattered
along with my head.
Migraine settled in
and kept me in bed.

Dust to the to-do list.
Chores abandoned for darkness.
Just pain echoing in my skull.
As I hide in the blackness.

Ice on my skin.
Pills down my throat.
A day lost to pillows and covers.
A day that was but a sour note.

Darkness had fallen
before I could confront the light.
Where I had planned a busy day
I had left only the night.

Monday, October 5, 2015

No Judgement, No Fear

The I Still Matter Facebook page recently posted this link... 5 Reasons to Start an Art Journal...

I definitely scrolled past it at first. While I have recently rekindled a childhood love for arts and crafts, I would hardly call myself any kind of artist. I am very critical of myself. It takes a lot for me to allow myself to post my own writing, art seems like an even scarier arena to me. I am surrounded by so many true artists as friends and family, men and women who can create images you would mistake for a photograph or displays of surrealism that blow your mind.

Then I read the article. It was the first reason that got me. The Art Journal is for you.

 “It’s about no judgement, no fear,” says Sokol. “It’s perfect.”

So I decided to give it a try. I got myself a book and started to fill the pages. Every time I started judging myself, I just repeated the words, "No judgement, no fear". I'm not creating masterpieces, but I am creating. It feels amazing. And when I feel like sharing a page or two, I can. Today I created this...

That will never hang in a museum or grace some millionaire's wall but making it helped me feel a little more alive. I let go of the judgement and the fear and I made something that makes me happy.

I'll leave you with this comic from Jim Benton which my husband shared with me today...

Jim Benton