Tuesday, October 13, 2015

What If?

Slice of Life Tuesdays

This past weekend, I participated in Jacksonville's American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. I walked with my family and some of my closet friends. All our lives have been touched by suicide. Some of us had lost someone to suicide. Some of us, like my husband, walked in support of someone who struggled with suicide. And then there were those of us who walked because we ourselves struggled with and/or had attempted suicide.

One of those friends started tearing up, and I quickly joined her, as she brought up the question... What if?

What if we had ended our lives? Would our loved ones be walking here with tears in their eyes and memories in their heads.

The question has haunted me since. It's been on my mind all week. I have attempted suicide twice in my life. Now, much more stable, I look back and wish I had just asked for help sooner. I don't want to imagine the "What If"s. I'm so thankful that my daughter will not have to grow up without a mother, filled with anger at me for what I had done. Or worse yet! That my daughter had never come to be.  She is already a beautiful person. What would the world be without her? How would my husband be?

I am lucky that I was supported so well and that something knocked in into my head that I needed help. Never be afraid to ask for help. Yell, scream, shout. Get what you need because your absence from the world would be noted and unwanted. YOU are wanted. Please, take care of yourself.

From my Art Journal

What if? All the beauty you bring to the world would be lost. All that would be left would be pain and sadness. You can get through this and recovery. I promise you.

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