Monday, October 17, 2016

Feeling Small

I am surrounded by many a wall
I don't have the strength to count them all
far too many are standing in my mind
and the air ticks like the clocks you wind
and I feel so small

I fall like the leaves on the tallest trees
I fall and I cry out as I skin my knees
I bite my tongue and taste blood
my tears overflow like Noah's flood
and I'm flying in the breeze

If I wasn't already lost I would run away
There isn't a single thing left to say
Going to jump over the line
Did you really believe I was fine
Please don't make me stay

How the Wicked Sleep

How can you sit there acting like a victim with someone else's blood on your hands?
Willing to cut anyone's throat so they will meet your demands.

Do your lies soothe like lullabies 'til your wicked heart can sleep?
Or does this wolf hide in the grass counting the sheep?

Someday I know you'll get caught in your own webs, twisted and tangled.
And you're true face will show, mutilated and mangled.

Spoken Word

A picture is worth a thousand words
But sometimes you need something to get you through the darkness.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

The feast

Cut me up
Serve me like a cake
A slice for everyone
Their final take

My scars and heartache
Form a dotted line
Cut along it
You're doing fine

Gather round
Time for the blessing
A feast of lies
Past time for confessing

If the taste in your mouth
Is bitter and sour
It's the tears you taste
From my final hours

Friday, October 14, 2016

Lists

If you spend your life writing a list of all the bad things that happen to you... The mistakes you made, the wrongs that have been done to you, the knives in your back, the disasters you could not control, the harassment you have endured, the lies you've been told, the broken promises, and so on... If you use your energy to write that list you will only be able to see that negativity. You will become a victim and you feed the darkness.

But if you write a different type of list.... Not a list that denies that bad things so happen, but a list that decidedly focuses on the positive and recognizes that there are things we cannot control. A list of friends and family, and the little things that keep us going. Bubble baths and good books, funny movies and late night laugh sessions... If you write that kind of list and push positivity back into the world you will see good where you once saw only darkness. You will become a survivor and thrive. You will be the light instead of searching for it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

If

If every word
Healed a wound
I would write odysseys.

If every syllable
Stitched a broken soul
I wouldn't cease speaking

And if I could do not
For my own heart
I would still keep loving

Monday, October 10, 2016

Hello Again

I have a terrible habit of starting a project and then letting it fall by the wayside as newer projects begin. I don't want that to happen with this blog. Maybe no one will ever read it, but it's good for me to put out their my feelings and thoughts. So, I've decided to challenge myself to write a blog post everyday for the rest of the year and if it goes well, maybe it will continue and I will do a post every day in 2017.
This will mean I'll need to plan for busy days and keep up with it, but I think that week be a good exercise for me and my mind.
The posts don't have to be gigantic thesis style literature. A haiku, a photo of a painting or sketch, maybe a question that's bothering me. Whatever is on my mind that day when I post.
Although it can be about anything concerning my life, I hope to make the focus mental health and living a healthy life with a mental illness (or two, or three).
If you're reading this, thank you...and stay tuned!

Sunday, July 10, 2016

The End

You have only enough power over me left
for me to write this down
I am ending this tug-of-war between us
setting my end of the rope on the ground
I searched everywhere for answers
and this is what I found
Something cold and dead and dark
that should be in the ground
I spoke words of forgiveness
but there was not an echo of a sound
No more a drop of dew in your web
Around your fingers wound
I have freed myself from your chains
And it is towards peace that I am bound.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Wrench

I wasn't a perfect cog in your system
So you called me a wrench
You can't see my worth
So you put me on the bench

You did your best to mold me
But now you've washed your hands
You call me a failure
I'm just something you don't understand

Can't boil me down to one sheet of paper
You cannot make me bend
Let me know where that narrow mind
Gets you in the end

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

The Garden of Forgiveness



Learning to forgive, truly forgive, is like a balancing act of strength and meditation. It can be an exercise in prayer. You have to stretch those forgiving muscles and work them, building up strength.

Forgiving those who have hurt us is perhaps one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Maybe they don't deserve it but you deserve that peace.

For me it starts with a hesitant prayer of forgiveness but as the months go by I am filled with peace and even love towards the one I am forgiving.

Grudges are so 2000's. Let go, let God.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

My Worst Enemy

Enemy of truth
Knife in my back
Sharp slanted words
Unsolicited attack

Violent oppression
Playing on my fears
I can't escape her voice
See her face in every mirror.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Counting Pills

One, two, three, four, five...
How many pills to stay alive?
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Down they go. Say Amen.

Once I took them by handfuls
When for death I was hopeful
When nothingness seemed bright
Darkness looked like light

One, two, three, four, five...
Anything to have a life.
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Working to feel human again.

Healing scars and lost memory.
No longer living life absently.
Fire now an aid, not a peril
The broken girl becomes able.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Come So Far

I walked the earth as a ten year old
For fifteen long years
Jumping and splashing through puddles
Of blood and tears.

A childhood haunted where laughter was replaced with screams.
And my mind created a world of nightmares as my only dreams.

Looking now I see that i have come so far since then.
Finding my voice through my paintbrush and pen.

Even as I feel my body rot decay
I can feel sunshine on my skin, the light of a new day.

Liar's Limerick

Truth is water and your words are oil
Your lies could make even honey spoil
Play with lives
Falsehoods like knives
You make a peaceful soul's blood boil

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Playing with Fire

"Yell FIRE!"
They tell us.
Because that will get people's attention.
Because that's what people care about.
They will look out their windows
And into their halls.
They will wonder if it's their home,
Their building, that's burning.
"Yell FIRE!"
They tell us.
Because we don't turn our eyes from flames
Because no one is "asking for" a fire.
They won't get involved if you cry something else.
They will pretend that they don't hear.
Their home is not at stake.
They won't get involved in other's affairs.
"Yell FIRE!"
They tell us.
Because we were only eight.
Because they were shaping us.
They prepared us for a life where we were to blame.
They prepared us to be used.
But my body is my home.
And the word "fire" only burned me.


They Never Stay

I've done it again
Scalpel like a calligraphy pen
Carved each letter deep
Names of love I failed to keep
Forever didn't mean a thing
A promise of pain the absent bring
Count to ten and we'll play
I close my eyes and they never stay