Friday, March 10, 2017

Spiders in my Head

"There are spiders in my head.
Their webs muddling my words.
Keeping my dreams grounded
Like flightless birds"

(Written March 5, 2017)

I had a severe PTSD flashback the other night. I probably should have known something was coming because my nightmares had come back full force and I have felt so on "spiders in my head". I had been waking up for days and seeing a black figure over me or in the corner of my room. I would wake up screaming to my husband that he was in the house. I have also caught myself looking for him everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I looked for him in Panama City where I seriously doubt I'd fine him. Now after the flashback, I've seen his face for a few seconds before I'd realize my mind was playing tricks on me. It felt like ice in my veins.
The first few hours after the flashback I felt the force of it so strongly that it felt like I had been pushed through time, nine years, ripping my life to shreds. I wondered if I could go on. That's what PTSD can do. I know everyone experiences these things differently but I was back in a place where I felt like I was going to die, whether by my own hand or by his, I didn't know.
Now, I'm trying to come out of this fog. I'm trying to use all the tools I have to break out of this cage. I'm meditating, reading, talking about it, etc. I'm here writing this evening as a coping skill as well.
I feel like I'm floating in between 2008 and 2017. I'm afraid to be alone but I don't want to be around most people. This is the worst I have been since I started my recovery almost four years ago. The urge to self-harm is strong but I have been stronger. I've had to take time from working on projects that mean the world to me. My depression is trying to convince me that I have failed but I'm trying not to let it win. This is temporary, I know that. I will get through this, somehow. 
The only way to fail is to give up. 

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